Guns in America - Do we need so many? Is it time to change our laws?

A couple of days ago there was yet another mass shooting. This time an Orlando night club, catering to the LGBT and Latino communities. What is even sadder than the 50 people who lost their life due to some asshole with an assault rifle, is that second amendment nuts are only concerned with their “right” to own a gun. I don’t think it should be a fucking right, it should be a privilege for those who can demonstrate responsibility and are cleared of any concern of mental illness. I said it. I am in Texas, so I am literally safer writing it.

I engaged with a friend of a friend and briefly shared my story. I explained that my ex-husband was able to go get a cache of guns without haste. There was no waiting period and he had spent time in a mental ward and was on medication for bipolar people. I asked for more effective regulations that would weed out crazy people and radical fanatics. That sounds pretty easy right? If you don’t have mental illness then you shouldn’t be concerned. For example, I should not own a gun. I am too jumpy and my depression and anxiety doesn’t make me a sound candidate to be a gun owner. I am ok with that.

This guy tells me that I should have had better control over my ex. I just about spit my coffee out. Really? He thinks I knew about and encouraged this purchase? He has never been married and if he is his wife has him by the balls. I explained that I didn’t have knowledge, I did stand up for myself, eventually, I got the guns out of the house, ect. I shouldn’t have to defend myself because someone decided to wake me up with a gun. He never thought to blame the person holding the gun or loose regulations. It was my fault. For what? Going to sleep? Marrying a psychopath?

Then I remembered that there are people out there that are so brain washed and self-centered that they believe their right to hold a gun is more important than my right to life. How can your right to have a weapon that you say you never want to use on another human mean more than my life, or anyone’s life?

What’s even more ironic is the fanaticism we have with guns is due to really good fucking marketing and branding. The gun nuts feel the way they do, not because they really fear an intruder or boogie man. It has been instilled, generation-to-generation that owning a gun makes you a man, it should be your manly “instinct, “according to the WSJ .

So how do we fix it? Speaking with said fanatics is like talking to a child about sugar. They don’t get it. Will they ever?

Freedom from Supression

Silenced and Suppressed

As I sit in Twitter Jail in objection to the GOP’s war on women, it reminds me of my marriage. I am watching the Texas Legislature parade lopsided testimony and ignore the voices of nearly 1,000 citizens in regards to an omnibus abortion bill that would reduce access to women’s health care, among other consequences. The reaction from social media is astounding. But the master of the Twitter universe has decided that I have said too much, and must be silenced.

I rediscovered my voice three months ago. My husband, a member of the U.S. Army Reserves, decided that when I didn't want to listen to him mansplain the theory of relativity at the crack of dawn, he would try to kill me. He was unsuccessful.

He wasn't always abusive. What women in her right mind would marry an abusive man? I have come to understand that he is a sociopath. He was my prince charming, which is a common characteristic of a sociopath. His goal was marriage as a control tactic.  We met at a club when I was dared my friend, and bachelorette, to propose to him. I did, he said “how can I be engaged to you when I don’t have your number?” I smiled and told him I would talk to him later. I ended up giving him my phone number, and in the morning I had a text that said “Why am I waking up without my fiance?” A year after we met, he expectantly came home from the Army and proposed to me.  It only took 10 days for him to show his true colors.

He had a problem with alcohol. He had stopped while he was training with the Army. I married him assured that it was a past issue. That night his promise broke when I had to pull him out of a bar. He was belligerent and didn't want to leave. He slugged me while I was driving him home, and I nearly drove off the road. I turned my camera on video and set it on the bookshelf. I documented him throwing me on the bed, the sounds of him slapping me and telling me that I “was too much of a whore to rape.”  I made him watch it. He promised he would get help psychologically and stop drinking. He followed through, and convinced me to destroy the evidence.

He is a tricky, manipulative man who happens to be extremely pro-life and a conservative. I enjoyed about a year of a beautiful, boring marriage. Or, so I thought. He slowly gained control of my every move. I am educated, well informed and, outside this relationship, independent. He was good.

Trouble sneaked up when he started drinking again. He claimed it was because of his need to socialize, and started spending outrageous amounts of money. That’s when I realized I was being financially abused. All of the debt is in my name because I have good credit, because I am responsible. After being laid off, our money became his money. One night he snuck out when I was sleeping to drink. I confronted him and he called me a whore. That’s when I realized that I was being emotionally abused. Again, I am not stupid. Even under some sort of trance, I knew something was wrong.

I am a Christian, and I don’t believe in divorce. He went to a Baptist university and has a photographic memory. Did I fail to mention that he happens to be a genius?  He twisted scripture to meet his manipulative needs. “For better or worse” – How bad does it have to get to be beyond worse. Would God forgive me for abandoning my vows I made to Him and my husband? My pastor told me to forgive him and “throw sand on it.” Was I somehow delusional and wrong?

Bad turned into worse.  I was extremely isolated from my family and friends, and financially dependent on him. One night, after he went out drinking under the guise of coffee with a friend, he came home in a bad mood. I was upset because, like most, don’t like being deceived. This was supposed to be my prince charming, not a promise-breaking asshole.  I slapped him when he called me a whore. I am far from. He pinned me down and poured a liter of hand sanitizer in my mouth and eyes. As I blindly crawled to the bathroom to wash my eyes out, he told me how he would execute my entire family, threatening to “gut” my three little sisters. He knew my weaknesses. As a 6’ 5”, 275 pound soldier, I believed him. I couldn't allow him to kill my family. I didn't know what to do when my best friend happened to stop by. She did this often when she had an appointment in the area. She saw my bloodshot eyes and knew something was wrong. I wouldn't admit anything. I went to my mother’s home, but pretended I just wanted to spend time with her.

A couple days later he got into a massive car accident and had head and back trauma. He was obviously coming back from the bar after taking a cab home. He wreaked of cigarettes and alcohol. The officer on site told him that he “was lucky that he was a soldier and wouldn't be given a breathalyzer.” I’m a strong woman with a soft heart. Even through the previous abuse, he still held a place in my heart. His mother is his only family. She is a wretched, abusive woman herself. So, I came home to take care of him. He won again.

His nice streak only lasted a couple weeks. I knew it was over when he had no interest in celebrating Valentine’s Day. He cared more about drinking. So I prayed, a lot. I prayed that God would tell me what to do. It didn't take long for him to cross the line. He forced me to leave the marriage without regret and at peace with myself and God.

He snuck out once again. I woke up to the sound of him shutting the door. Fearful and realizing that he was drunk, I had a strangely calm demeanor. I simply told him to get some rest. He asked me to sit down with him. He wanted to have a drunken discussion about science and love. I wanted to go back to bed for a couple hours and follow it up with a productive day. In about a half hour’s time, he drank half a fifth of vodka and a bottle of wine. He threw the dogs out and got my attention. He told me that I needed to leave. I replied that I would, and headed to the bedroom to get my keys. Being 5’ 2” and 135 pounds, he easily blocked my way. He grabbed me by the throat and carried me to the kitchen, set me on the stove and started bashing my head against the wall. As if that wasn’t enough, he body slammed me to the floor and sat on my chest. He repeated that seven times. All I could do was count. Strange, I know. I actually hate math. But he was 15 inches taller than me, more than twice my size and trained in combat. Each time my head was pounding against the wall I would get to eight or nine. There were seven cycles of bashing, body slamming and suffocating. The last time he was kneeling on my chest, he ripped my wedding ring off. I remember that I stopped breathing. I thought “that was my last breath and now I am going to die.”

I somehow squirmed out from under him. My first two attempts at escape were foiled when he grabbed my feet out from under me and I face-planted onto the hardwood floor. The third and final time he grabbed my hair. I was fine with losing a fistful of hair. I ran up the stairs to a neighbor’s house and ferociously pounded on the door and screamed “Help, my husband is trying to kill me.” She let me in and called the police. He was arrested for assault of a family member. I went to the hospital and was thankful that the damage was minimal even with more than 50 abrasions and bruises. I also understood that it was time to get out of dodge. I moved a couple states away where I have an abundance of family.

Here is where it really gets interesting. I was pro-life before and during my marriage. In fact, my marriage only strengthened this belief because his ex-girlfriend aborted his child. This devastated him. What I didn't know is that he beat her right before she found out she was pregnant. Being reproductively challenged and suffering from a long drought in the bedroom, I didn't have to be concerned with him yielding control for the next 18 years. But, I could understand the ex-girlfriend’s fears. The fact is, some people shouldn't procreate. All the sudden the right to control my own body became extraordinarily important. I had already been fighting to keep my uterus against the advice of endometriosis specialists for ten years. I started paying attention.

What extreme republicans are trying to do around the country is despicable. I am not pro-abortion. I would not make that choice. I can’t phantom the amount of thought and emotion that goes into such a choice. But it is that, a choice. I am not so pompous that I think I have the right to tell another human being what to do with their reproductive organs. I also understand what it is like to be a poor, uninsured woman in Texas with endometriosis. I relied on Planned Parenthood to provide well woman exams, birth control and STD screenings. Yes, I have sex. Many of you already know that birth control is a common, yet somewhat ineffective, treatment for endometriosis. See other blog posts for my opposition to pre-existing conditions clauses that insurance companies enforce.

The Texas GOP has already shown its’ true colors and admitted that their goal is to effectively shut down clinics that provide abortions, as well as general reproductive health services, by making it too costly and limiting the ability to practice. This bill doesn’t just affect women who desire the right to have an abortion. It affects any woman who may have a health issue and/or simply find themselves uninsured. What really irked me is when I realized that most of the people making these vital decisions were men with the sex education of a fifth grader. The great exception is Texas state house representative Jodie Laubenerg, sponsor of the house bill, who compared rape kits to abortions.

I have been watching Texas since the Citizen’s Filibuster last month. I will keep watching, writing, tweeting and helping the protesters with media relations assistance until it is over and women of Texas are guaranteed their constitutional right to choose.  When I find a place to call home, I will stand up against any such measures on the local and national stage. Watching the Texas Legislature demean women is like reliving my marriage. But this time, I feel empowered. I am a survivor, not a victim. I will never fall prey to another woman hating asshole again. The men and women standing in protest and sheroes like Wendy Davis give me hope. They fuel my recovery. I encourage you to take stance with women around the country who are being suppressed and silenced.

July 2011

Hi All,

Good News! I met my husband and through my deep love I got a great benefit - Insurance!

He is in the military and although the insurance is not steller...it works.

My endo is under control. I for some reason cannot handle birth control, but its ok. I noticed some comments that I have not seen because I had not been on in a while. My apologies. Thank you everyone for your support.

On a less than great note, they think I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Not fun, but my new hubby is very savvy and has been helping me find great books and go to a specialist next month. My attitude remains positive and I thank everyone for their support.

Endo Under Control – Insurance Not so Much

I know it has been about a year since I have written. My apologies. It turns out that the treatment or Lupron may be working to keep my condition under control. Yay! However, my attention is redirected once again to health insurance. After a job change recently, I am faced with the monetary challenge of being insured when you work for a small company. We only have three employees - my boss, his wife and me. His wife is a survivor in every sense of the word. She has battled and one a fight against pancreatic cancer and is now facing Lupus. These unfortunate events have made the organization’s insurance policy a very expensive one. Add endometriosis to the mix and the cost rises.

I am frustrated because I thought that after facing the issue of having a chronic illness and no insurance was not going to be a reoccurring theme in my life. Now if this was 2014, pre-existing conditions would not be an issue and the price would be reduced dramatically. Bad news – that is four years away. And with the 2012 elections, that may change too. So do I leave a job I love, that has room for growth, and find a job that is OK, but has affordable health care? And, will this nightmare ever end?

More Healthcare Debate - A response to recent propaganda

Yesterday, my brother sent me a text message with a picture of OUR President with the text “Guess he can’t.” The picture also seemed to have a negative racial element to it, as well. I asked him not to send me that sort of propaganda and he began a debate. He told me that reform would kill Americans. I laughed because that is like saying the black cat is white.

I told him he needed to turn fox news off and get his facts straight. That according to a Harvard study, 44,000 people die each year because they have no health coverage. He told me that it would only benefit people who make under $30,000 a year and would cost everybody. I asked him two questions: Why are people who make less than $30,000 annually health’s less important than his? And, if he is angry about paying taxes for benefits in which he does not receive, like social security and Medicare, so important now.

I am 27 and will most likely won't see social security, He is 29. I know that people like my grandparents do benefit and I have no issue being a part of a system that helps them live. I would also not mind helping those without insurance get the coverage they need and deserve.

He then said, “Don’t be a Communist!” I am not a communist, but as car insurance is mandated to protect drivers from each other. I think there needs to be a safety net for all of the possible health care issues that could kill someone or make them bankrupt.

I wanted to remind him of when he was a teenager and needed brain surgery after numerous strokes. Had our parents not had quality medical insurance, he would not be here to debate this issue. I knew it would only fuel more pointless debate, so I said nothing.

I wanted to remind him that he has a sister with a chronic disease who has been denied health coverage for being “sick.” And that those health insurance companies willing to insure me, while I was a student, wanted more money than budgeted for rent. That I went without because it was not a financial option. I also cried myself to sleep in pain and agonized myself knowing that my body was eating itself alive and having children was becoming less and less of an option for my future, his possible nieces and nephews.

I also, but didn’t, wanted to point out that studies show those in favor for reform are either the uninsured who would benefit and those that are “intellectuals” and could see the big picture and how it would affect our society. Once again, I kept silent because he would fall into the middle and feel like I was using my education against him.

I love my brother and other members of my family and friends that do not agree with me. I am happy to hear their opinion if they will remain calm and hear mine. But too many people are buying into super conservative propaganda pushers that only seem to yell their opinions that are not backed up with legitimate facts from legitimate sources. Just because they yell the loudest does not make that nonsense true.

As I mentioned, expressing my views to my brother would fall on deaf ears, but I had to vent my opinions. Thanks for reading.

Feel free to discuss the issue, but be prepared to back up your opinions with facts from reputable sources.

October Update

Sorry I have been despondent recently. Sometimes I find my condition too much to bear and have to stop thinking it about it. But then the pain comes back and I am forced to confront it.

I have been off lupron for about six weeks now and just finished my first cycle since March. It was painful and although the normal indications are gone, the pain has remained. Such as life. I do not think the lupron helped, although I think it does help some people, just not me.

What angers me more than my pain, is the pain of others who are not as fortunate as me to receive superb care due to lack of insurance or having their endo deemed "pre-existing." I think if every American went without health insurance with a medical condition, the healthcare debate would not be a colossal screaming match, If we could just care about our neighbors the way we do after a natural disaster or terrorist attack, paying a little extra so your neighbors that may not be as well off as you, would not be a problem.

Keith Oberman has urged Americans to support health care clinics in the states in which there is much opposition from statesmen. Therefore, proving that there is a need for healthcare that helps the poor and underserved. So many of our politicians turn a blind eye to those that they see as of little importance. BUT WE ARE ALL IMPORTANT. Who am I to say that I deserve healthcare and you don’t? It is our generations' fight for civil rights. And people are dying because they do not receive adequate care. They die every day, every hour. But that could be stopped with proper healthcare regulations. Please do not conform to the republican boogeyman and do your research before deciding that reform would end all healthcare.

If you wish to no more about Keith Oberman's campaign to bring healthcare to those underserved in states that are fighting regulation, click here.

Letter to Congressman Olsen

Congressman Olsen,

I received this survey in the mail and thought I would answer it a little more in depth than the options you provided. You may see the questions and my responses at the bottom of this message. But first, let me tell you a little about myself so that you may understand where my answers are coming from.

Six years ago, I was diagnosed with endometriosis, a non-life threatening disease that creates immense pain and infertility. When diagnosed, I had insurance through my parents as I was a college student. However, I aged out of the system and found myself still in college, working multiple jobs/internships with little options. My school offered insurance, but because I was treated for the endometriosis in the past year, it was ruled a pre-existing condition and I was denied treatment. I looked at private insurance companies to get a policy, but they wanted over $600 a month and as a young woman putting myself through college, that was my rent money. Nobody should have to choose between medical treatment and being homeless In the next two years it took to get my degree, I went without treatment because when I did have an opportunity to be insured I did not want it ruled pre-existing.

By the time I graduated and landed a good job with insurance, my disease was eating me alive from the inside. If you can imagine the internal organs held in your abdominal cavity and take a huge wad of gum and wrap each organ and connect it to whatever is nearby, may it be your abdominal wall or another organ. Except that gum was really scar tissue and lesions. It took the surgeon six hours to clean everything up and remove my appendix because it was too damaged. In addition to having issues with my reproductive organs, I also have damage on both intestines, stomach and bladder. What hurts the most is not the pain that I feel almost everyday from my damaged organs, it is not knowing if I will ever be a mother due to the fertility issues Endo causes.

I'm not speculating that had I received treatment my condition would have been better. I don't know. But I would imagine that assistance with hormone therapy and other treatments could not have hurt. I also know that there are parts of the health care bill that could be improved. But instead of improving those areas with thoughtful ideas and bi-partisan team work, some republicans have opted to create lies of death panels and other republican boogy men to scare the American people out of supporting the bill. Like the President said in his speech, let's work together to get something done for the American people. So I ask, as your constituent, that you be constructive in your work. Rather than sending surveys with loaded questions like the one I answered below, send one and ask the American people what they want and what they need.

On the pamphlet, you mentioned that this was paid for by me, the tax payer. I would like to know how much it cost to prepare, publish and mail these pamphlets? I am also aware of a similar campaign via phone, what are those costs? It seems that the loaded questions are fishing for the responses that back up your position, rather than questions that would lead to ideas that would improve the health care bill.


Your Survey
Do you support a plan to increase taxes on American high income filers and small business in order to finance a government run health care program that according to the CBO would still leave millions of Americans uninsured?

My response: I do support a government backed healthcare program even if it does force taxes to rise for upper middle class and "high income earners." I would continue to support such a program even if it increased taxes for lower-middle class because I care about my fellow American and have been uninsured with a medical condition. Have you, Congressman Olson, ever been uninsured with a medical condition?

Do you support or oppose limiting access to health care by placing a government bureaucrat between you and your doctor?

My response: I support it if it means the 30 million plus Americans receive the care that they are entitled to. In the current system, there is already a gate keeper that creates a buffer between you and your doctor, the nurse. Just this year my former doctor suspected thyroid issues and ordered an ultrasound. I called twice within three weeks to get my results. As it turned out, the nurse never gave my doctor the results and if it were not for my persistence, I would not be aware of this that I have cysts on my thyroid that need to be watched.

Do you support or oppose a plan that would pursue free market reforms to foster competition in the health care market to lower costs?

My response: Of Course! That's why President Obama would like a public option, to increase competition, which would in turn lower healthcare costs overall. There would not be a monopoly of insurance companies that have obviously agreed to keep prices high. And it is that An option. So Americans are not forced to choose going without healthcare or going into the poor house. Most choose going without, even if they pay the consequences down the line, like severe medical conditions or death.

Are you satisfied with your current health coverage?

My response: I am satisfied to have health coverage. Yes, at times I can become very frustrated getting claims pushed through and having certain necessary treatments covered. I do believe, as the President said in his address to Congress and the Senate, that more competition will force insurance companies to be more customer oriented. They would know that they are not your only option and might be more inclined to keep you as a customer by providing better service and becoming more affordable.