Thursday, June 23, 2016

My Inner Beast - MY Anxiety and How I am Dealing

I’ve had anxiety for almost half of my life. It started when I was 18. I would have sporadic, sudden panic attacks. They sent me to the floor like a baby. Now, it is like a monster that I battle constantly. The more I have learned about It, and myself, The better I manage it.

Today, I had planned on going to a career fair after submitting a resume to a pharmaceutical company. I have wanted to start a career in pharmaceutical sales for quite some time, but getting your foot in the door is hard. I procrastinated getting business cards made because my current financial situation is just becoming stable. The money I made last night would pay for the cards, plus printing 20 copies of my resume, references and recommendations.

I spent about an hour crafting the cards, I even found a high-resolution head shot so they might remember me later. But the printer would not let me pick them up in the store, and the store could not retrieve my order. So, I picked up a shift at the restaurant.

For whatever reason my anxiety fades for the most part when I am working. I am too busy to worry. Waiting tables or bartending is like being in a play for the millionth time. Occasionally there is some adlibbing, but I rarely hear something, or come into a situation, that is new in any way. The uncertainty is managed. I know what to do, what to say and when.

Sometimes I let my customers get to me. But for the most part I understand that I can’t go back and change anything or force them to tip me more. I simply move on to the next table. I keep my anxiety medication in my pocket, but rarely need to take it at work. Just knowing it is there for me is usually enough.

I am constantly going over potential conversations in my head. It’s really very annoying. But, when a situation arises when I need to think or speak fast, I freeze. If I am speaking with a male or a woman with a strong alpha male personality, it’s even worse.

I know a part of this is confidence. I am my own worst critic, best friend and enemy. I tell myself the meanest things. I wonder if that is so if someone else says them it won’t hurt as bad. I break myself down all the time, every day, every hour for no reason. Overcoming that is hard. I have gotten a little better and tell myself to be nice and am self-aware. I shut those voices down as quickly as possible. I know this will take time.

Sometimes my anxiety gets so bad that I can’t leave the house, sometimes my bed. I’m afraid of people seeing me. Maybe it’s because I’m so anxious that I have let myself become disheveled. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m worried they might say hi. I have gone without eating and in certain living situations, urinating. It’s absolutely crazy.

I think the agoraphobia kicks in when I am so overwhelmed with anxiety that I just can’t deal with it. So, I try not to let it get that bad. Writing has really helped. Giving these thoughts a new home, so they are no longer bouncing around in my head is cathartic. I can only write a little at a time, but the thoughts I have released are barely coming back to mind. It’s like therapy but we can skip the getting to know you part, and the payment at the end. LOL


I am also trying to get back into Yoga and Pilates. I did a 20 minute class that focused on weight baring for people with carpal tunnel syndrome. I need to practice that one until placing my hands in a certain alignment becomes second nature. Then I did a 10 minute Pilates video. My wrists hurt a little. I plan on doing this every other day and upping the time and energy spent. So that’s my plan. Writing, exercise, vitamins and self-awareness. We shall see if I can cure/treat myself.  

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